Thank you for speaking loudly enough for me to hear, even if the words were spoken in a way I couldn’t understand at first. It may have taken a few years for me to pick up on the intricacies of your language. But now, when you talk to me I know what it is you're trying to say. Even though I treated you badly and abused you horribly back then, you wanted to help me. I see that now. And I've had to work hard to earn back your trust. After all, we're in this together - there's no separating us. We have an unbreakable bond in this life and we're better off working as a team to make it the best life we possibly can.
So I’m here to admit my wrongdoing and own up to all the bad things I did to you. I forced you to do so, so many things against your will, things that damaged you almost beyond repair. But your inner wisdom saved us both, for you have an incredible ability to heal. And to forgive.
Thinking back, it’s funny realizing I ranked social norms and expectations at a higher level of importance than I ranked your health. How stupid is that? Why do we, as humans, do things that way? When did it become acceptable to poison ourselves, beat ourselves, hurt ourselves? Even on the smallest scale, how did self-harm become what’s expected of us, how did it become “normal”?
Thankfully, you never stopped believing in me, you never stopped speaking to me. You never stopped guiding me back to the happier, healthier place I needed to find. It wasn’t so hard, really, once I learned to let go of what other people thought of me, to let go of cravings I held for poor habits and easy ways out. Once I was able to look past what’s “normal” to find what’s true, we became friends again. But abusing a friendship, well, it takes time to heal. So I understand when we still have rough days, when we fight, because that that is you speaking up, telling me something is “off”, saying I need to listen to the master [ that’s you, by the way ] . After all, feeling well and healthy is what’s normal. Sickness and suffering, that’s not normal. Funny, but most people these days don’t know that. I’m glad I learned the truth from you.
It’s taken me three years to get this far, and in reality that’s not a long time considering all those years I hurt you. Even after starving you, stressing you, berating you, calling you ugly and useless and fat and unlovable, pushing you to the physical limit, breaking your spirit, forcing you to do so much against your will, even then you helped me. You are the one that guided me back to a peaceful, calm, healthy and strong place. I give you all the credit. You’re the one who has worked so hard to heal me, mind, body and spirit. How can I ever thank you for that? I could thank you for saving my life, I suppose, but in reality it’s more like we joined forces – we’re on the same team again, working toward the same goal. Now, what we both want above anything else is health, wellness, and inner peace. Yes, I’m still learning and you’re still teaching me. But like with most things, a lifetime is scarcely enough to learn everything there is to know about something, even when that something is yourself. So far, though, I’ve enjoyed your lessons – you’re a really great teacher! Shamefully, I must apologize for being such a poor student for so long, and clearly you’d had enough [ I see that now ] and forced me to behave. “Take a seat! Listen!” you finally shouted. You, the calm, composed lecturer finally losing her cool at the head of the class. Boy, was that ever a wakeup call. You’d never yelled at me like that before. Even then, I kept trying to push your limits [ bad habits are hard to break, after all ] but you’d had it with my shenanigans. Of course I don’t blame you – I was pretty immature. But look at me now. I’ve grown up, all thanks to you. I’ve realized you’re the only teacher I need. And honestly, pretty much everyone else is full of it, as lost and confused as I used to be. But I’ve learned to listen to you, my inner teacher, the wisest one of them all. I’m sully present. I’m ready to learn.
What was that? No, don’t worry, you don’t have to speak so loudly any more. It’s OK. I’m ready. I’m listening.